i think i should quickly stop everything that i am doin and faster finish up my post and head to slp wit dion..
she is having fever..
becos she had her last jab today..
i am scare, i am worried..
even worst then those days that she is sick..
everybody telling mi that this jab is dangerous..
so even i have to work tml.. i still wan her to be wit mi at least tonite..
i don mind staying up to look after her..
i jus wanna see her safe..
tml i have to work..
but i don have the heart to work..
becos i am worrying sick..
dion grow up alot..
when she start her first cry..
when the moment she jus open her eyes..
and the moment she wrap her litter hands around mi index finger..
till she show mi her first smile..
she start to flip..
till she calls mama..
when she started to eat the first mouth of solid food..
she learn how to stand and walk even before she knows how to crawl..
till now, she run, she talk even nobody understand what she is talkin about..
she whine and cry to catch all our attention..
she has all our attention in case she donnoe..
she has olways been the beautiful and amazing thing that happen to our family...
every single time when she is unwell, i am olways around..
i am reali scare..
but i have to work in order to feed her and give her the best i can..
i gave out the best i can ever have..
i gave out my youth..
i give up my happiness to give her all..
she deserve it..
maybe he don noe why..
i am doing all to hurt him..
but he is hurting my precious..
when dion call out for papa..
i showed her his pic..
but she don even know that he is her father..
is so confusing for her isnt it?
i don expect much..
i jus hope that at least once he can show mi...
dion means someone important to him..
i can forget about u not being by myside when i am preg..
i can forget about how much u showed that u don wanna get tied down when i was pregnant..
but when dion is out, i wanted to give u chances..
i gave more then i can do..
i allowed everything that i don like to happen..
i have to make myself so hurting to see u but i have no choice becos u claim that u wanted to spend time wit dion..
i was such a fool..
i was such a dumbass..
becos i realize, u are still as dependent to mi as before..
when we was out wit dion, it was like u are someone who is still learning how to accept her as ur daughter..
when she was sick, u wasnt there..
when she was unwell and she wanted to have a dad to hug her.. u don even know..
i had to lied to her..
tell her that daddy is busy..
i have to comfort her to slp even lying to her that her daddy love her..
i have to be there to hug her tightly when i dislike seeing those needles poke into her..
and i am olways doing all alone..
how can u not be heartache to see a girl wanting her dad so much but he donnoe..
i reali wanted to stop all connection from the poh and chin..
but i cant bear becos ur parent love her alot too..
i hope i can tell her her dad died..
but i don wanna lied to her animore..
i tried asking u to change..
u didnt heal my advice..
what am i suppose to do to let dion feel better..
why are everybody sacrificing but u are still out there freeing..
we don have the obligation to do all for u..
but i reali donnoe what can i do already..
everybody tell mi, i am strong..
my frenx see mi, and tell mi, i have changed..
ppl say they looked up on mi as i have to go through so much at this age..
but what am i suppose to do when my baby has a dad like this..
my biggest mistake is to let her know u..
i am sry baby..
what has done is undone..
i am jus hating to see what she is going through..
i hope, if he couldnt change..
nv could u accept her in ur life..
don come back and see her..
i don mind letting ur parent visiting her..
but i wouldnt wan u to mess her life again when i wanted to lied to her..
u have a choice.. u olways have..
but u nv treasure..
u see the other women more important then her..
then don even let her know that she has a dad like this..
i can no longer give in..
i can no longer give any chances..
i can no longer be a fool..
i can no longer wait for u to change for the sake of princess..
don expect mi to forgive u if dion is hurt..
i hope u understand my stand..
when i am the one bringing her up and by her side alone..
don get the wrong idea..
is not about us, is about u and dion..
xuemin