i have so much to say..
i have so much to rant..
but no one will be there for mi this time round..
i have to learn how to stop missing him..
i have to learn how to stop mentioning about him..
in mi, is still all about him..
i felt so useless..
he is jus a man..
a guy that i had rs wit..
a guy that use to be my world..
a guy that doesnt love mi like i love him..
i am trying..
first day of cny,
i was force to bring dion to his hse..
but i didnt even look at him..
i hear his coughing..
i hear his footsteps..
and i didnt dare to look up to see him..
becos i am scare..
it will turn out pointless..
i am scare i will forget about giving him up..
i am scare becos he doesnt belongs to mi..
he is sick..
very very sick..
so heartache and helpless..
i wanted to show concern..
even using dion as a reason to care about him..
but i couldnt bring myself to do it..
seeing him so unwell..
it bring mi to silents..
i didnt look at him but at that point of time he is jus standing 5 feet away..
everytime he cough, it hurts mi..
how could he be so sick..
how much he tired himself..
how much burden are wit him..
idk..
i jus couldnt do anithing..
he is jus a kid, who doesnt knows how to look after himself..
how i wish someone else can be there to look after him..
maybe there is, but can the somebody take gd care of him?
don make him fall sick..
don make him tired himself..
don allow him to slp late at nite..
and force him to drink more water..
had a small argument wit younger sis..
some parts of it is about him..
sis asked mi to find a gd guy and forget him..
i nearly cry..
i was at the backseat of the cry holding back my tears..
she say i should find my own happiness..
and start all over again..
she wasnt wrong..
but i fight back her words by sayin, i don wan..
my excuse was i am so sick of relationships..
is true that it is one of the reason..
but i reali donnoe how to forget him..
giving up my happiness..
for dion becos i believe one day, the happiness i lost will go to dion and mend my lost..
i jus wanted her and her dad to be safe and happi..
whole family went to temple ystd..
and i bring dion to walk around..
prayin to the god to keep them both happi and safe and i will shorten my life 10 yrs earlier..
i had only one wish..
and i told god to take gd care of him..
becos i am giving him up..
no one will be there to give in to him..
no one will be there to free him..
no one will be there to give him chances..
i wanna stop being his guardian angel..
and hope god will send another one down to him..
someone who is willingly laugh and cry and share woes wit him..
i will use that part of mi and give the best to dion..
i will show him, i can be a gd mum and take gd care of our princess..
bring her up and love her unconditionally
will post out pics of cute cute dion:))
xuemin