it has been veri terrible weekends.
and has not been doin my gd job as a mum.
as i am reali so troubled.
upset and anger make mi sometime not rationally enough.
all my mind is occupied by baby boy.
i don understand why u sayin mummy is forgetting u.
i reali don understand.
no matter how busy mummy is, i talk to god every nite.
asked him to pass u msg.
how mummy misses u.
is jus like i look at ur sis and talk to her. but mi and u has a longer distance.
a distance that mummy cant hold in my arms.
ppl askin mi to jus do whatever is necessary.
but seriously baby, mummy didnt wan.
if givin u a ling wei, but if it make u drift from mummy side.
i reali don wan.
but other then this do mummy has a choice?
i can give u lots lots toys if u wan.
can give u sweets, food like ur sis has.
give u everything i could. jus for the 2 of u.
u should noe mummy better then ani one else.
i thought u reali noe mi.
but anit it all not within my choice of being ur gd mum.
i am suffering now, reali suffering.
i couldnt have gd slp.
i reali wishes to slp forever. too tired to hold on.
it so tough.
so tough being force by every situation and force mi to grow.
i am jus onli 19.
wasted 1&half yr on a jerk.
givin in all i could.
but end up receive nth but hurts.
dion is such a lovely darling.
can u pls not to hurt her.
both of u are my sweetheart.
i don wan anione to get hurt.
she is ur younger sis. she should be protected by u.
mummy pls u.
can u don go disturb her?
she is reali innocent.
she don even noe she has a brother.
is all mummy fault. put all blame on mi.
is all mummy fault.
all my fault.
i don wan it to happen.
i nv wan it to happen.
i can promise i won touch spicy food from now on!
i can promise mummy will pay my life to for u.
don go hunt ur lil innocent sis.
she didnt manage to replace u afterall.
but she stopped my heart from breakin even more.
i hated ur dad so much that i wanted him to die!
i reali hope he will get his karma!
is veri soon, i am gonna stop r/s between them and dion again!
he hasnt done anithing proud to show mi yet.
he is jus too concern about "who fuckin forbid him and dion for not meeting for 2 months"
but he NV think of why.
and HOW to solve the problem.
he is such useless guy!
ystd i met keith for supper.
chatted alot wit him.
our past, and things that happen recently between our life.
it make us not regret on our breakin up yrs back.
i have to admit, we both change.
but one thing thatis not changing.
is that we both reali do understand each other alot.
tgt for 1 yr plus.
broke up nearly for 4 yrs.
and then now frenx back for months.
we both should have been gd frenx since the start.
he told mi something.
"i think for now, u no longer feels for other r/s"
and that is true.
i cant.
"is all becos of JD and u become like this."
yes. and keith spotted on everything.
wha is it to love someone else.
i rmb how much i force myself to give him up.
jus becos he said his feels terrible and suffocating.
from that day onwards, i nv said the 3 word to him ler.
becos my heart died.
shall upload about dion:)
she had her 4th month jab on sat mornin.
and which make her fever to come on sat nite.
i haven had gd slp.
olso partly due to this.
she is been so crunky!
hahax.
i couldnt rest well.
and maybe is becos due to her teething too.
i am gonna rest tonite ler. slp early wit her ba.
so so tired.
xuemin